I want to go out, get absolutely trolleyed; stoned out of my face and not give a fuck.

i feel like i’m being held back by limitations and expectations.
I want to go out with my friends and boyfriend, and have a good time, and not worry about what time it is, whether im gonna miss my bus, whether i’ve done enough revision or not, not care that my parents hate what i wear or what i look like.
i want to not care about what people think about me.
i want to have a good time with the people who mean the most to me (minus family), and to not feel awkward, out of place or pressurized to do things.

i want to be me.

but i don’t know who i am.

i don’t know how i can find myself.

or find out who i will be.

someone once asked me, what would happen if my 11 year old self, who would be starting high school this september, met my current self, leaving the school 5 years on? and it made me think, would i be proud of who i am now? would i be proud of what i’ve acheived in the past/next 5 years? would i look at myself and think, “yeah, i’m glad im me. im glad of the way things are going to turn out.” or would i think “what the hell happened to me?” well, i’d say to myself, “you’re going to have your heart shattered into tiny fragments. but don’t be afraid to cry. it’s good to cry. it’s good to sleep. you’re going to learn who your true friends are. you’re going to meet some fantastic people, and you’re going to learn to love them. you’re going to learn to appreciate life in a different way that you’ve never thought of before. you’re going to learn that music will become a major part of your life, and that nutella is the best food on the entire planet for midnight raids on the kitchen.”
i would love to meet myself 5 years earlier. i think it would be fantastic to talk to myself like that. or to meet myself 5 years on, when i’d be 21. now that would be interesting. don’t you think?